Group dynamics

"This is Aditya. He's just moved in with us", said a guy I had barely known for a day introducing me a group of about ten people.

They all turned to look at me at the same time, and I literally squirmed uncomfortably. Out of the corner of my eye I could see two girls as well, which made me feel all the more awkward. I started to clumsily remove my jacket and search for a place to hang it.

"So Aditya, what are you studying here? Where did you do your undergrad?" asked a goofy looking guy who, to his credit, looked the friendliest guy in the group. As expected every social introduction in the modern Indian society of geeks begins with the question about where you went to college. And it was a answer I have always dreaded giving, purely because of the amount of expectation it puts on my shoulders every time I say it.

"Uhh...I am doing my PhD here...I just transferred from Michigan. I did my undergrad in IIT".I could notice an almost imperceptible change in the expressions of people. And then it was gone.

"Why don't you help yourself to some bissibelebath?"

I awkwardly scooped up a little into my plate and settled into a corner, trying to distance myself from the more boisterous members of the group. Little did it help because the next volley of questions started from a girl sitting there who, I was sure, was most oblivious to my condition.

"Do you know X?"
"Where did you do your schooling?"
"Have you stayed in Hyderabad all your life?"
"Are you mass or class?" (#$!@?)
"Does X have a mole on his right bum?"

Okay the last one was made up but that doesn't mean it wasn't painful. After they had extracted the last bit of haha's I was left alone with my food. As I nibbled on the food at the ends of my spoon, I realized that the group was indeed very closely knit. Two of them were married, two was related and everyone knew Telugu. It has been a long long time since I have seen camaraderie like this, and maybe it was me given another chance to have some semblance of a social life, by interacting with this group.

I have had a history of solving problems. I discovered a novel proof for the Pythagoras theorem when I was 15. I got into IIT at 18. And I have started my PhD at 25.  But there is one problem, the solution to which evades me even today as it does a lot of people like me - "Instead of being alone & bored this thanksgiving, is there anybody I can spend it with?" Maybe meeting a group of people so close and happy with each other was a sign of death of the loner in me. And then, maybe its not.

I learnt a management lesson from this experience. Here it is for what its worth.

Barriers to entry into groups that are already large and successful is much higher than normal. As a group, members expect much more out of new entrants to be "qualified" for their group. (Examples - Consulting, Bollywood) The best way is rapport with individual members before entering the group.